Overcoming impossible odds, superior talent, and a roster of incomparable competition, Bill Friday takes the 2008 BrooWawa Deathmatch crown.
(Gets handshake from Quentin Tarantino... A lingering hug from Jessica Biel)
"I'd like to thank the Academy... Katrina and Rob, my Starbucks' managers... the California Department of Unemployment..."
(CUE MUSIC)
"... if I forgot anyone... I... um... uhh..."
(CUE PETER COYOTE)
(Holds trophy aloft)
"Thank you!"
AND COMMERCIAL IN THREE... TWO... ONE...
Wait... wait for it...
Right there. My dream moment. After three weeks of blood, sweat, toil and tears, the ultimate prize. Victory in the first-annual BrooWaha Brackets Deathmatch. Short of winning Jim Rome's annual Smack-Off, nothing can compare to the glory, the honor, the swag, that comes with winning the Broo in 2008.
As a student of history, I understand the significance of the underdog overcoming all odds to win the big one - Jimmy Chitwood's Hickory Huskers, Villanova over Georgetown, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick over the United States - all touching in their own special way. But nothing could have made this championship run any sweeter than defeating who I believe is the finest pure writer in all of BrooWaha, the legend, El G., who summed up his experience in this competition with these now-famous words:
"The only thing that could make this moment better is my impending, well-earned bowel movement."
And the only thing that could make this moment better for me, is to share it with my friends.
And the only thing that could make this moment better for me, is to share it with my friends.
So, I would like to thank:
- Glenn T, whose idea this Deathmatch was (wait, the idea for the Deathmatch was... mine. Sorry...). Oh, and our amazingly similar good taste in women, including the jaw-droppingly inspirational Connie Britton.
- Joe Mael, who skillfully played both ends of friendship against the middle and bet the Bill Friday money line, raking in countless tens of dollars at the expense of his friendship with the G.
- Ariel Vardi and Digidave Cohn, for allowing this competition to continue in spite of their better journalistic judgment. Guys, I tip Oscar Madison's cap to both of you.
- El G, for not caving in the the horrible pressures of this competition, never compromising your beliefs for the quick brown-nose, and always, always knowing in your writers' heart that when you win that Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay, you will justifiably, completely snub all Broo staff (or at best tell the watching world, "This is for all the Douche-bags...you know who you are!").
And finally,
- Jen and Tonic, friend, competitor, muse, the only woman I know who could ever use the words, "Donkey Punch", "Dutch Oven" or "Shocker" in a sentence, and still sound like a lady.
Now we can all get back to the serious business of running a first-class Citizen Newspaper. And I can repair all the damage to my own website after turning it into a Clipper blog for the past three weeks. It's PURPLE AND GOLD from here on in baby!
And to all the competitors who made the last year of BrooWaha so special, Steven Lane, Ed Attanasio, V, D.E.C., Chris Jones, Morgana, D.L., and the rest of my 153 friends (you know who you are)...
See you next year.
Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday
