Do You Believe In Miracles? Yes! - Friday Wins It All

Overcoming impossible odds, superior talent, and a roster of incomparable competition, Bill Friday takes the 2008 BrooWawa Deathmatch crown.

(Gets handshake from Quentin Tarantino... A lingering hug from Jessica Biel)

"I'd like to thank the Academy... Katrina and Rob, my Starbucks' managers... the California Department of Unemployment..."

(CUE MUSIC)

"... if I forgot anyone... I... um... uhh..."

(CUE PETER COYOTE)

(Holds trophy aloft)

"Thank you!"

AND COMMERCIAL IN THREE... TWO... ONE...

Wait... wait for it...

Right there. My dream moment. After three weeks of blood, sweat, toil and tears, the ultimate prize. Victory in the first-annual BrooWaha Brackets Deathmatch. Short of winning Jim Rome's annual Smack-Off, nothing can compare to the glory, the honor, the swag, that comes with winning the Broo in 2008.

As a student of history, I understand the significance of the underdog overcoming all odds to win the big one - Jimmy Chitwood's Hickory Huskers, Villanova over Georgetown, the Duchy of Grand Fenwick over the United States - all touching in their own special way. But nothing could have made this championship run any sweeter than defeating who I believe is the finest pure writer in all of BrooWaha, the legend, El G., who summed up his experience in this competition with these now-famous words:

"The only thing that could make this moment better is my impending, well-earned bowel movement."

And the only thing that could make this moment better for me, is to share it with my friends.

So, I would like to thank:

• Glenn T, whose idea this Deathmatch was (wait, the idea for the Deathmatch was... mine. Sorry...). Oh, and our amazingly similar good taste in women, including the jaw-droppingly inspirational Connie Britton.



• Joe Mael, who skillfully played both ends of friendship against the middle and bet the Bill Friday money line, raking in countless tens of dollars at the expense of his friendship with the G.



• Ariel Vardi and Digidave Cohn, for allowing this competition to continue in spite of their better journalistic judgment. Guys, I tip Oscar Madison's cap to both of you.



• El G, for not caving in the the horrible pressures of this competition, never compromising your beliefs for the quick brown-nose, and always, always knowing in your writers' heart that when you win that Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay, you will justifiably, completely snub all Broo staff (or at best tell the watching world, "This is for all the Douche-bags...you know who you are!").

And finally,

• Jen and Tonic, friend, competitor, muse, the only woman I know who could ever use the words, "Donkey Punch", "Dutch Oven" or "Shocker" in a sentence, and still sound like a lady.
  

Now we can all get back to the serious business of running a first-class Citizen Newspaper. And I can repair all the damage to my own website after turning it into a Clipper blog for the past three weeks. It's PURPLE AND GOLD from here on in baby!

And to all the competitors who made the last year of BrooWaha so special, Steven Lane, Ed Attanasio, V, D.E.C., Chris Jones, Morgana, D.L., and the rest of my 153 friends (you know who you are)...

See you next year.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday

Obama Kicked To The Gutter In Pennsylvania

Barack Obama is in serious trouble just weeks before the Pennsylvania Democratic Presidential Primary.

Barack Obama's amazing run at the White House appears to be in the gutter. Maybe next time he should just keep score.

Last week-end, in an attempt to fit in with the lunch pail, rank-and-file that are the Democratic voters of Pennsylvania, the front-running candidate from Illinois rolled a 37 in a seven-frame game of bowling in the town of Altoona.

Admittedly, to be Presidential you don't have to be an athlete. For example, despite an intense love of baseball, Richard Nixon, according to his former cabinet secretary and special assistant Alexander Butterfield, "was unathletic, so pitifully unathletic." Calvin Coolidge, in the words of historian Donald McCoy was known to be, "unathletic" and prone to "tantrums, the brunt of which his wife bore. Anything that was unexpected could lead him to prolonged moods of sulking and even to fits of yelling."

Okay, so Nixon threw like a girl, and the only exercise Coolidge ever got was from stomping his feet like Jennifer Beals under a big bucket of Pennsylvania steeltown water. None of this means Obama is destined to resign in disgrace or generate domestic policies that will lead America into another Great Depression. And as far as the tantrums, Michelle Obama looks like the type A personality in that family.

Even among the media, Obama isn't getting a pass for his performance in the back alley of down and dirty politics. Joe Scarborough, host of the MSNBC program Morning Joe called Obama's performance at the Pleasant Valley Rec Center, "dainty." He went on to say, "You get 150, your a man, or a good woman."

Enter Hillary Clinton. "I'll be ready to bowl on day one," the other candidate said at a press conference.

Sounds like she fits the Scarborough profile perfectly.

In Obama's favor, he is rolling with the punches he's received from rolling a 37 in his first line attempt at the game in thirty years.

"My economic plan is better than my bowling," Obama during the game. A few lanes over, a man shouted back, "It better be!"

Even the photo used for this article came from a blog within Barak Obama's own website.

And come on, everyone knows you can't bowl worth crap in rental shoes.

Of course, even in rental shoes, Bob Dole could have beaten Barack on this night... with his pen hand.

And If he wins the Presidency in November, he'll have until the end of March, 2009 to get ready

to throw out the first pitch on Opening Day.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday

Google Mail Introduces New Feature: Time Is On My Side

After extensive beta testing, Google releases an all new "wonder technology". Now everyone can say, "Time... IS on my side".

In a world where tech break-throughs (see the BrooWaha article, You've Heard About Web 2.0, But What About E-mail 2.0 by Gary Wells) come faster with each passing day, Google announced today the release of an all new tool that the company says will finally let you "Be on time, every time". According to beta user testimonials, Gmail Custom Time will let all Gmail users to back date any e-mail sent through Gmail since the service began in 2004. This will allow any electronic mail the user has sent to be re-dated to any appropriate date the user requires, essentially eliminating lateness forever.

"The entire concept of 'late' no longer exists for me," exclaimed customer Miriam S., a delivery girl by trade. "That's pretty cool. Thanks Gmail!"

Utilizing what Google calls the "Grandfather Paradox", Custom Time allows Gmail customers to utilize "an ensemble of parallel universes" to make sure that no e-mail to arrive late again.

"I just got two tickets to Radiohead," paralegal and beta tester Robbie S. told a gathering of media, "by being the 'first' to respond to a co-worker's 'first-come, first-serve' email. Someone else had already won them, but I told everyone to check their inboxes again."

A nervous Robbie concluded, "Everyone sort of knows I used Custom Time on this one, but I'm denying it."

With interest in cutting-edge ways to advance purpose-driven business strategies, even in the highly scrutinized world of corporate relations, Custom Time is not without its ethical "gray area".

Todd J., an investment banker with a major international firm explained his dilemma like this.

"I used to be an honest person; but now I don't have to be. It's just so much easier this way. I've gained a lot of productivity by not having to think about doing the 'right' thing."

The ethical dilemma experienced by Todd J. is not confined merely to the business world. Apparently, it is a concern in the esoteric world of spirituality as well.

"This feature", reasoned Michael L., a professor of Epistemology at a Midwestern Jesuit university, "allows people to manipulate and mislead people with falsified time data." The scholar went on to say, "Time is a sacred truth that should never be tampered with."

As for the creator of this new technology, Google puts it in a way it feels its customers will best understand in a series of FAQ's.

How do I use it?

Just click "Set custom time" from the Compose view. Any email you send to the past appears in the proper chronological order in your recipient's inbox. You can opt for it to show up read or unread by selecting the appropriate option.

Is there a limit to how far back I can send email?

Yes. You'll only be able to send email back until April 1, 2004, the day we launched Gmail. If we were to let you send an email from Gmail before Gmail existed, well, that would be like hanging out with your parents before you were born -- crazy talk.

How does it work?

Gmail utilizes an e-flux capacitor to resolve issues of causality.

How come I only get ten?

Our researchers have concluded that allowing each person more than ten pre-dated emails per year would cause people to lose faith in the accuracy of time, thus rendering the feature useless.

Their findings:

N = Total emails sent

P = Probability that user believes the time stamp

φ = The Golden Ratio

L = Average life expectancy

So there you have it. Another multi-billion dollar company takes advantage of a few loopholes in the space/time continuum (and various Federal regulations) and now offers a new service at no additional charge to its customers. Life is good, and as the month of April begins today, you can be sure that all is right with the world.

And The Butterfly Effect was just a movie.

For more information on Gmail Custom Time to Http://mail.google.com/mail/help/customtime/index.html.

For more information on the inherent gullibility of human beings, ask Dr. Traci.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday

Politics Is Easy - Comedy Is Hard

If it's an election year, there will be... JOKES. Bad jokes. Really bad jokes. And Bill Friday leaves no headstone unturned in his pursuit of a political punch-line.

In a 2004 interview, Mark Katz, official joke writer for the Clinton White House, was asked what the best one-liner he ever wrote that wasn't used was.

"Al Gore rejected this joke in 2000. 'It's true I got C's and D's my sophomore year at Harvard but in my own defense, that was also the year I invented the bong'."

If only candidate Gore had used that joke, maybe his political career wouldn't have reached a tipping point later that year in Florida.

Just last month another candidate, Republican John McCain, proved that comedy should be left to the professionals when he told this "joke" at the expense of former Texas Senator Phil Gramm and current South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham.

"After this meeting, if you'd like to talk to [the] senator, either senator Graham, we will provide translators for any of you that need to, find them hard to understand. I find them hard to... anyway."

(Crickets).

In America 2008, the idea that to become President you just have to be lucky enough to be born black, marry a future President, or spend five-and-a-half years as a prisoner of war, is more than just a bad joke. Just as long as you hit the right punch line.

Who can forget Hillary Clinton's attempt at comedy.

"[Mahatma Gandhi] ran a gas station down in St. Louis."

(Confused Crickets).

The funny thing with politicians doing stand-up is politicians continuing to do stand-up. In a business where the risk/reward index dictates every word that comes out of a candidate's mouth, why do seemingly intelligent, college educated adults continue to try to gain popularity as if they were guest MCing open mic night at a dive bar in Hermosa Beach?

Even Barack Obama tells a joke. Once.

"Well, I think Bill Clinton did have an enormous affinity with the African-American community, and still does. . . . I would have to, you know, investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities, you know, and some of this other stuff before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother."

(Dead Crickets).

It's official. Everyone's a comedian.

Hey, if it's an election year, let's leave the jokes to the professionals - the professional magicians, that is. Former "Dancing with the Stars" contestant and sometime illusionist Penn Gillette told one, almost accidentally, to a crowd during a recent performance, and retells it on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GY4gpmvMjrY. Maybe now that his dancing career appears to have ended, he can pick up where Mark Katz left off.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday

Olympic Flame Will Roll Through Tibet On Schedule

The Olympic torch will be lit this coming Monday, beginning a journey that will take it to the world's highest height, Mount Everest, and China's most embarrassing low, Tibet.

[As seen in deadspin.com]

Disregarding public outcry internationally and within the borders of Tibet, the Beijing Olympic Organizing Committee reaffirmed its plans to carry the Olympic torch through Lhasa.

Speaking at a news conference on Wednesday, organizing committee executive V.P. Jiang Xiaoyu told reporters that public concerns over possible Olympic violence was uncalled for and that the region had, In his words, "basically been stabilized." The so-called "Journey of Harmony", the name given by the Beijing Olympic organizing committee, is scheduled to pass through 135 cities on it's way to the Chinese capital for the start of the Games August 8.

Recently, dissatisfaction with Beijing's hosting of the games has taken more visible forms in the voices of some well-known figures. Already Steven Spielberg, who was to act as artistic adviser to the opening ceremonies, quit amid continuing Chinese involvement in the form of arms sales to the country of Sudan in their conflict in Darfur. China is Sudan's number one customer in the export of crude oil.

Great Britain's Prince Charles has announced that he will not be attending the ceremony in support of the Dalai Lama. On Wednesday the chief of the Communist Party in Tibet, Zhang Qingli had this to say about the spiritual leader of Tibet:

"[he is] a jackal in Buddhist monk's robes, an evil spirit with a human face and the heart of a beast."

Further clarifying his position during a teleconference with members of Tibet's government an leaders of their Communist Party, Zhang continued:

"...we are engaged in a fierce battle of blood and fire with the Dalai clique."

Already, China's air quality has come under serious scrutiny, with many athletes questioning if Beijing's claim that air quality will be safe to compete in this Summer. Ethiopian Haile Gebrselassie, the fastest marathoner in history, has already said he will not compete in that event at the games. The Chief Medical Officer for the International Olympic Committee, Arne Ljungqvist, said that therapeutic use exemptions (TUE) for asthma inhalers will be granted to athletes in far greater numbers should air quality not improve in time for the games.

To underscore the growing snowball of bad will rolling downhill toward Beijing, Andrew Leonard, writing in Salon.com said, "as a public relations exercise, so far, the Olympics are turning into a disaster."

Just last Friday, 5 girls burned to death while hiding in a clothing store in Lhasa. Rioting is the norm in the traditional seat of the Dalai Lama. Yet in the days since the clothing store deaths, even more rioting - international rioting - is fast becoming a real threat to the "Journey of Harmony".

Today in London, the possibility of disruption by anti-China protesters became front-page news as the announcement of the deployment of 2,000 Metropolitan Police officers, marine and air support, plus mounted police along the torch's route to the town of Greenwich.

With less than 5 months until the games of the 29th Olympiad, so far the focus of the world is on anything but athletics. And what happens during the two weeks of the Games may only play a small part in determining the Games' future.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday