REGGIE THE ALLIGATOR CAPTURED...?

Yesterday afternoon, at around 3:30 p.m., L.A. County Fire Fighters received a call for help from a fellow County employee at Ken Malloy Park in Harbor City. In a small cove at the edge of Lake Machado, there he was.

Reggie the Alligator had been found!

With LA city officials already conveniently on hand at the park for a 3 p.m. "strategy reassessment meeting" regarding the celebrated gator, Jon Murki, chief of the city's Recreation and Parks Department, and City Councilwoman Janice Hahn were all smiles as the two year drama involving the park's most famous temporary resident came to a sudden, and well-publicized, ending.

"We were talking about strategies for catching him when somebody called and said, 'He's out of the lake'."

"It was an unbelievable day - and at the end of the day it was city of L.A. employees who caught him, not alligator wranglers from somewhere else," Hahn said. "Who said we don't do gators?"

But before Reggie could be strapped to a gurney and whisked away to the Los Angeles Zoo, with news vans and helicopters in tow, question were already being asked by some whether this really was, in fact, the Reggie.

The size of this alligator is somewhat larger than Reggie, and there would not have been enough time for Reggie to grow to that size," said Ed Boks, general manager of the Los Angeles Department of Animal Services. When asked who might be skeptical about the alligator's identity, Boks answered, "A number of experts."

"Maybe instead of Reggie One, this is Reggie Two."

Boks' staff at Animal Services was not involved in the apprehension of the reptile.

Gregory Randall, a department wildlife specialist, offered this: "It's not like Reggie was tagged. There's no way to prove definitely that this is the same Reggie."

To quote one of those covering the story for television, Nischelle Turner of Fox 11 News, "Unless he was wearing a name tag that says, 'Hello, my name is Reggie', we'll never really know."

The question of the animal's identity was not in question for the sister of former L.A. Mayor Jim Hahn.

"He looks like Reggie to me," councilwoman Janice Hahn said. "We were petting him, talking to him... I feel like I know him because I've invested a lot of time and energy in him." Just two weeks ago, when asked if she could confirm the identity of the animal as Reggie, Hahn told the L.A. Daily News, "I don't know how we'll ever know."

No word on whether the councilwoman will be asked to confirm the creature's identity by picking Reggie out of a line-up at the L.A. Zoo.

As recently as last week, plans were still in the works to bring associates of the late Steve Irwin, the "Crocodile Hunter", to capture Reggie, after multiple attempts have failed to bring results during the last two years. The cost to the county is almost $200,000, not including the cost to prosecute the two men accused in 2005 of dumping Reggie in Lake Machado in the first place, former LAPD Officer Todd Natow and Anthony Brewer, both residents of nearby San Pedro.

Now, while in the middle of a meeting staged in the same park that Reggie has called home for two years, and with costs mounting by the day, the capture of "Reggie" had the feeling of something being staged.

It's curious how, just one day before a busy Memorial Day Weekend was to begin, the capture of "Reggie" went off without a hitch.

Kevin Regan, Assistant General Manager for the city's parks department, said he went to the lake last Sunday and devised a plan to trap the reptile.

"I went down there and found the area he was coming through," Regan said. "All of the vegetation was matted down, and I found this one pathway that it seemed like he was using."

Monday, Regan built a chain-link enclosure with a swinging door. On Thursday, that door was slammed shut with "Reggie" trapped inside.

Mission accomplished, right?

Parks Chief Murki put it this way: "We knew with the weather heating up.. that this could happen and, in fact, it happened real quick."

Real quick.

So with tongue loosely in-cheek, and with lawn chair opened on the shores of Lake Machado, I'll leave you with a quote by a city official from a classic film about civic responsibility, the public's right to know, and holiday fun in the sun.

"I'm pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have, in fact, caught and killed a large predator that supposedly injured some bathers. But as you see, it's a beautiful day, the beaches are open, and people are having a wonderful time. 'Amity', as you know, means 'friendship'". - Mayor Harry Vaughn, Jaws.

And when the Fourth of July rolls around, remember...

I'm rooting for Reggie.

Copyright © 2007 Bill Friday

Spanning the Globe: All the News That...

DATELINE... JERUSALEM

Mrs. Tzipi Livni (that's right, Mrs.), Israeli foreign minister, is one step away from becoming only the second female Prime Minister in the country's history. Livni, 48, appears to be next in line for the job should current Prime Minister Ehud Olmert resign.

On Wednesday, a poll of Israeli adults in the daily, Maariv, showed that 73 percent of those who responded believed that Olmert should step down.

Livni, who has two sons, ages 19 and 17, has risen relatively quickly to power - first within the Likud Party as a protege of Ariel Sharon, and currently in Kadima, the party set up by Sharon in the fall of 2005.

A former Mossad agent, Tzipi Livni held a classified post within Israeli intelligence, following her graduation from Bar-Ilan University school of law.

Though details of Livni's personal life have been kept just that, personal, it is believed that Livni's rise to the heights of power in the Knesset had nothing to do with a wealthy husband or a desire on her part to find a hobby after the kids were grown.

DATELINE... WASHINGTON, DC

Eli Lilly and Co., manufacturer of Prozac, and Pfizer Inc., manufacturer of Zoloft, said they would comply with the FDA's request, and begin labelling the two anti-depressant products as a potential cause of suicidal tendencies in consumers age 18 to 24.

Antidepressants are already believed to cause increased risks for those under 18.

A statement issued by Eli Lilly read, "We believe this step will help insure that millions of people with depression... can make informed treatment decisions while minimizing the fear and stigma associated with depression."

Shreya Pudlo, a Pfizer spokesperson, took her statements in a different direction.

"There is no established causal link between Zoloft and suicide in adults, young adults or children."

According to Dr. Thomas Laughren, for every 1,000 patients 18 to 24 treated with antidepressants, the FDA expects that an additional five patients can expect to experience suicidal thoughts or suicidal behavior. According to Laughren, who oversees psychiatric drugs for the FDA, these studies were conducted with 11 different antidepressants on more than 77,000 patients.

According to the ads, depression hurts. And, apparently, anti-depression kills.

And in other chemical treatment news...

DATELINE... HOLLYWOOD

Britney Spears will perform the third in a series of "comeback" concerts tonight at the House of Blues on the Sunset Strip. Spears, who's last public concert appearance was nearly three years ago, kicked off her "comeback" Tuesday night with a fifteen minute show at the San Diego House of Blues. The following night, the 25-year-old Spears (Thank God she's no longer in that dangerous 18 to 24 demographic!) played the chain's Anaheim location.

The Tuesday gig was advertised as a show by "The M&M's". No indication was given whether the lap dance given to one of the San Diego patrons will be an ongoing feature of Spears' "comeback" tour.

Last stop...

DATELINE... MANHATTAN BEACH

An plain-clothed Manhattan Beach police officer was struck by a motorist as he observed the driving habits of parents at an elementary school in the city.

"We've seen motorists driving too fast, driving on the wrong side of the road at times," according to Manhattan Beach PD Lt. Derrick Abell. "One motorist drove on the wrong side of the road and hit one of our officers."

Other drivers were observed double-parking, leaving vehicles with the engine running for minutes at a time to pick up students, and even making, "offensive gestures to other more patient, law abiding drivers," Abell said.

"People are not paying attention to the rules of the road. The Manhattan Beach Police Department places a high priority on keeping our children safe."

The City of Manhattan Beach is one of the wealthiest cities in the state of California, with a 2006 average household income of just under $123,000.

In a related statistic, the city's schools rank 5th in state academic performance standards.

It's great to know the children of Manhattan Beach are just as driven as their parents.

Copyright © 2007 Bill Friday

Sunday Night Baseball: APRIL 22, 2022

Dateline: New York, NY

Alex Rodriguez, elected just this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame, responded to harsh criticism here in the Big Apple, and to the outpouring of celebration in the state of Florida, at the announcement that Rodriguez would, in fact, enter enshrinement as a Tampa Bay Devil Ray.

Rodriguez, in a press release issued yesterday, chose to ignore hateful comments of fans and media in the town where he rose to national prominence more than two decades ago with the New York Yankees.

Instead, he thanked the fans of western Florida.

"You always embraced me, accepted me," he said of the loyal fan base that averaged 16,000 per game during his six year stay in Tampa. "You never cared how I did in big games. For you, meaningless games in April were just as important to you as the post-season.

"No one [here] ever put pressure on me to perform. 2nd, 3rd, 4th place, it was all the same to you, and I'm grateful."

When asked about never appearing in a playoff or World Series with the team that paid him $37 million a year over the final five years of his career, Rodriguez responded saying, "It was the accepting attitude of [Devil Rays] fans that probably prolonged my career, allowing me to earn another $100 million. I owe them everything."

Later this year, Rodriguez will take part in a special old-timers' day in Tampa, to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the D-Rays miracle 2nd place finish behind the Boston Red Sox in 2012. A team of former Tampa Bay players, including Rodriguez, will take on a team made up of other former big leaguers who never won a World Series.

Rodriguez is best remembered for breaking Barry Bonds' all-time record for home runs in a career, shattering the old mark of 761, clubbing 833 in a career that spanned 20 seasons.

In Los Angeles, Dodgers' Vice President of Community Relations, Nomar Garciaparra, when asked for a reaction to the Rodriguez situation, told BrooWaha.com, "I'm happy for him." When pressed further, the former Dodger and Red Sox all-star elaborated.

"Well, at least I won a World Series."

In the six years since Garciaparra became eligible for induction to Cooperstown, he has fallen short of the necessary 75 percent vote from Major League Baseball sportswriters each year. The Dodger executive was the First Baseman on the 2007 Dodgers championship club.

On a related note, Barry Bonds said yesterday that his testicular cancer remains in remission. Bonds credited experimental treatments he received from a clinic just outside the southern U.S./Mexico free border town of Tecate. Bonds sought treatment there for what was originally termed a "sports-related" illness.

In January of this year, Bonds, along with acting Baseball Commissioner Billy Crystal, created the Office of Latent Disabilities to deal with the swelling numbers of former Major Leaguers who have developed health problems in the years after retirement from the sport.

In 2009, Bonds was first diagnosed with subdural, meta-non-carcinoma, now known to be prevalent in users of various synthetic growth hormones, with symptoms typically manifesting in the form of enormous cranial growth.

Coincidentally, the sale of Bonds former team, the San Francisco Giants, is expected to be ratified by Baseball's owners this coming Friday. The sale, to Mexican multi- billionaire Carlos Slim is expected to precede the move of the Giants to Mexico City before the start of the 2023 season.

A slight change in the name of the team to "Los Gigantes de Ciudad de Mexico" are still unconfirmed.

When asked to comment on the team's move, Bonds said, "I never answered any of your f...... questions before, so why should I answer any of your f...... question now?"

Bonds, when asked about the drop in the percentage of African-American players to 1.8%, the lowest since Jackie Robinson played for the Brooklyn Dodgers, said, "Jackie who?". Baseball just celebrated the 75th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's first game in the Major Leagues, breaking the color barrier.

Bonds spokesman Ed Attanasio was unavailable for comment.

Finally, National Public Radio President Ariel Vardi announced late Friday that NPR has secured the broadcast rights to all Los Gigantes de Ciudad de Mexico games beginning in 2023, and running through the 2050 season.

Carlos Slim signed the agreement in a meeting of The 100 Families, outside Mexico City, yesterday.

Slim's civic renewal program, "Traiga mi hogar de la gente" ("Bring my people home") has helped raise the minimum wage in Mexico to $12.49/hr U.S. Slim believes the Mexican economy will support a Major League team.

"The minimum wage in Mexico is three dollars higher than that of the U.S., so you tell me?"

Note: None of what you've just read is true, purports to be true, is intended to be taken as true, or will come true in this or any other lifetime, dimension or universe. All legal actions against Bill Friday, BrooWaha.com, or Nomar Garciaparra, the Los Angeles Dodgers, Ed Attanasio, NPR, all persons living, dead or undead, or anyone else in all creation are groundless insofar as, if you sue, you will prove you have no sense of humor.

Copyright © 2007 Bill Friday

The Hills Are On Fire - Hollywood Sign In Jeopardy

At just after 1pm today, a fire ignited in the hills above Burbank, threatening the famed Hollywood sign, the Los Angeles landmark since the 1920's. The sign, visible from all parts of the L.A. basin sits at the top of Mt. Lee, in the Hollywood Hills.

By 2pm Los Angeles County arson investigators were seen questioning a maintenance worker from the Oakwood Apartments on Barham Blvd. regarding the origin of the fire. According to witnesses at the Oakwood, maintenance workers at the apartment were seen attempting to extinguish a small fire in the north parking lot of the large complex.

Estimates of the size of the area involved in the fire, as of 2:30pm, were between 50 and 100 acres.

Temperatures in the Burbank area today reached the low 80's with humidity levels below 15 percent. An afternoon onshore weather flow was hoped to bring relief to fire crews in the hills, as the flow typically brings heavy, moist air in from the Pacific Ocean most afternoons.

Travis Caldwell, a resident of the Oakwood Apartments and a witness to the initial attempts of Oakwood maintenance workers to put out the fire, said that two minors were involved in the discharging of fireworks in near-proximity to the north parking lot of the apartments.

At the time of this writing, Sheriff's investigators were seen questioning these two possible persons of interest.

No names of any who might have been involved have been released as yet.

Copyright © 2007 Bill Friday

With This Muse, You Lose

Writers are freaks.

Capable of reaching deep into the creative void, searching for light, and, as if from nowhere they, seemingly, can pull entire worlds out whole.

And sometimes in their search they, along with the worlds they've drawn from the darkness, bring back the very darkness itself.

And sometimes, writers are bullies.

A few days ago, I got an email from another writer inside the Los Angeles Edition. In the note were concerns about criticisms expressed in the comments section at the end of our articles for BrooWaha.

One thought in particular stood out,

"I appreciate the fact that people can give feedback and constructive criticism, but I don't think it should be condescending and pointlessly mean." (emphasis mine).

After a few words from me (which I'm sure didn't help), I got to thinking about these two sides of the writer, and about the fragile nature of each. Because even the schoolyard bully is just one good ass-beating away from having to embrace his own inner freak.

What is it about staring deep into that empty, dark place where ideas take shape and then draw breath, that brings out the best, and worst, in the writer? I thought a little more, and my thoughts turned, well... dark.

Really dark.

In the film Wonder Boys, James, the budding, brilliant writer (played by Tobey Maguire), recites a list of celebrity suicides he's memorized, in alphabetical order no less. At a very young age, James is a freak who gets it. He already sees what comes with the literary territory. It's morbid. Funny morbid. But when the lights come up again in the theater, James is just a character in a movie. He isn't real. Movies aren't real.

Real is what happens between kids (the freaks and the bullies) on any playground, any day, between lunch and the 5th period bell. Real is what happens in the comments section at the end of the articles in BrooWaha, where the writer plays critic, and the rules of the playground still apply.

Writers search for light in the darkness of their own soul. And when that light can't be found, other writers write about it.

Literary history is the story of writers - freaks - so damaged from staring into the black hole of their own inspiration, that they can no longer cope with what's real.

The world loves a winner, and everyone loves a story about a thick-skinned writer. But in a world that's real, thick skin is just a cover for the freak that lives inside. And only in a business where the workers must daily look into the void of darkness in their own souls, is insanity accepted as an occupational hazard.

Real.

"Paint me an angel, with wings, and a trumpet, to trumpet my name over the world." - Thomas Chatterton.

Thomas Chatterton was real.

Born in England in 1752, Thomas Chatterton was a freak. Withdrawn as a young child, some thought he might even be mentally handicapped. Before the age of six, Thomas lived as a recluse in the home of his parents, sitting alone for hours and, at times, crying without a reason. When not staring into space or crying, he would tell family members of his desire to be famous.

By age eight, if given the chance, he would read and write all day. By age eleven, he was a published author.

However, during the next six years, Chatterton, while writing for various journals in England, also perpetrated an elaborate and ill-conceived series of "forgeries". He claimed the documents were original poems by the 15th century writer Thomas Rowley.

They were original poems, alright. Originally written by Chatterton on two-hundred-year-old parchment scraps he had taken from a chest inside his local parish church.

After the fall-out over the Rowley poems, Chatterton began writing political satire under various pen names, selling little and sinking deeper into depression. Finally, in 1770, at the age of seventeen, Thomas Chatterton wrote a rambling "Last Will and Testament" and moved on to the big city - London.

Two months later, unemployed, hungry and disgraced, Chatterton tore up any writings he had in his possession, drank arsenic, and died.

"Dance no more at holiday, like a running river be; My love is dead, gone to his death bed, all under the willow tree." - TC.

Real.

"I must now prove that I even exist." - Jerzy Kosinski.

Jerzy Kosinski was real.

An acclaimed author, Kosinski, was the survivor of a childhood spent hiding his Jewish identity from the Nazis who occupied his native Poland during World War II. As an adult, this period of his life was recounted in the 1965 novel The Painted Bird. Though Kosinski never claimed the book was a "biography" as such, he did say that the story was both a representation of his life at the time, as well as a retelling of a Polish folk tale about the dangers of non-conformity. Later in his career, Kosinski also wrote the 1972 novel Being There, and co-authored the screenplay for the 1979 film version starring Peter Sellers.

However, as early as 1969, with the publishing of the book Steps, whispers within the writing community began to be heard about possible plagiarism in the stories of Kosinski. Over the next dozen years, countless accusations, newspaper articles and broadcast stories pointed to the same thing.

Finally, in early May, 1991, ostracized by the literary world that had made him famous, Jerzy Kosinski, 58, committed suicide in his New York apartment.

"I need an internal light, as not to fall prey to the things which cause my spirits to sag. This is true water from the heavens." - JK.

Real.

"That's nice talk, Ben - keep drinking. Between the 101-proof breath and the occasional bits of drool, some interesting words come out." - Sera to Ben in Leaving Las Vegas, from the novel by John O'Brien.

John O'Brien was real.

A Midwestern kid from a stable, two-parent home, John O'Brien was married just a year after graduating high school. Three years later John, and his wife Lisa, moved to Los Angeles. During the next few years, John wrote and worked various jobs around L.A.

According to his sister Erin, John became a heavy drinker in his mid-twenties when, she said, "John's drinking problem started as soon as he started drinking. By the time he was 20, he was taking a clandestine flask to work. By the time he was 26, he was chugging vodka directly from the bottle at morning's first light in order to stave off the shakes. I know. I saw him do it."

By 1990, O'Brien's first novel, Leaving Las Vegas, was published. The next four years saw O'Brien complete just one more work, Stripper Lessons, and begin one other, The Assault on Tony's.

In 1994, in the wake of the controversy surrounding the true origin of the Sheryl Crow song Leaving Las Vegas (a song Crow co-wrote with O'Brien's friend, David Baerwald), O'Brien sank to the deepest depths of alcoholic depression.

On March 21, 1994 Crow appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman, performing the song and answering questions about it's origin. During the course of the interview, Crow took biographical credit for the lyrics.

A week after the Crow appearance, production began on the movie version of LLV, starring Nicolas Cage and Elisabeth Shue. Two weeks later, on April 10th, O'Brien was still upset about the Crow interview, complaining to his literary agent in a phone conversation.

Later that day, John O'Brien put a shot gun to his head and killed himself.

Later, his father said that the novel, Leaving Las Vegas, was John's suicide note.

The final paragraph of John O'Brien's unfinished manuscript of The Assault on Tony's, summed up his life.

"For the first time in his life Rudd found himself wishing for death, hoping (praying?) that the walls came down before the liquor ran out, that they were stormed, bombed or shot in some truculent surprise attack, some irresistible force, divine intervention." - J.O.

Writers are freaks.

And if you're reading this, you're probably a writer.

Real...

Copyright © 2007 Bill Friday