Ocho Cinco Changes His Name To... Ocho Cinco

Has Chad Johnson, the Cincinnati Bengals Pro Bowl wide receiver and NFL fine magnet, made the ultimate end run against the pro football establishment... or joined it?

In 2006, Chad Johnson was fined $5,000 by then NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue for violating the League's uniform dress code when he took the field in pre-game warm-ups with his legal name, "JOHNSON" covered up with his self-designated nickname, "OCHO CINCO". It should also be noted that, later in the same season, Johnson was fined $10,ooo by Tagliabue for holding up a sing during a game that read,

"Please don't fine me NFL".

In a sport so tightly governed, where every player must conform to the point where even accidental deviation from the League standard for sock length is met with a fine, Chad Johnson has become the standard-bearer for (staged) non-conformity. As the days till the start of the 2008 season became fewer and fewer, the sports world wondered if there was anything left in Johnson's creative repertoire.

Until today.

This afternoon, the National Football League was informed by Johnson through his attorney that Chad Johnson was no more. Today, #85 is legally to be referred to as...

Chad Javon OCHO CINCO.

But has Chad Ocho Cinco just taken the next step in his development as the ultimate football free spirit, or is this merely the first step in the mainstreaming of Chad Johnson, taking him from raw, unfiltered odd-man, and turning him into something as predictable as homogenized whole milk?

Obviously, with the legal name change, the NFL will have to find another ATM when it needs a quick five grand late on a Sunday afternoon. Maybe the competition committee could look into developing alternative revenue streams by doing something about Jessica Simpson's pink Tony Romo replica jersey she likes to wear at Texas Stadium. Maybe they could levy heavier fines against coaches like the Patriots Bill Belichick whenever he's in the mood to butcher another gray hoodie. Or how about dropping a solid $100K penalty whenever Melissa Stark, Erin Andrews or - God forbid - Michelle Tafoya, shows some cleavage during any interviews.

Ocho Cinco's coach, Marvin Lewis, who has repeatedly referred to the player as "Ocho Psycho" during interviews, may have seen this one coming. In a Q & A with an Associated Press reporter, when asked if the name change may have come about from Johnson being mentored by Baltimore Ravens linebacker and one-time football bad boy Ray Lewis, Marvin Lewis responded,

"That's a very good question," he said. "We're going to figure Chad out now?"

Till now, no one, not the Bengals, his coach, teammates, the press or the NFL, has been able to figure out Chad Johns... err, Ocho Cinco. And now they won't have to.

Please don't fine me!!!

Please!

With all the marketing options that will become immediately available to him in the wake off today's news, Ocho Cinco will be able to pay any and every fine that may come his way.

All because now, Ocho Cinco is one of them.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday

Obama, McCain All Even - Let The Real Games Begin

Enough with the Olympics already! Michael Phelps is speechless (just ask him), China can't count to 16, and Kobe is more popular than Mao. BORING! This Monday, let the real games begin.

This is America.

Yet for two weeks, every four years, a small group of network executives sitting in a glass tower in the middle of Rockefeller Plaza, believes that we as a nation will choose to lose sleep over tape-delayed coverage of doubles table tennis on the Oxygen Network.

Stop avoiding me, Donaghy!

What America really wants for two weeks, every four years, is what we as a nation all embrace as The Real Games of summer. Live, in prime-time, and lacking any sign of gymnasts with baby teeth smiling for a panel of judges so their own government won't take their family's house away.

After the latest Reuters/Zogby poll, Barack Obama and John McCain are (plus or minus 3 percentage points) in a virtual dead heat.

At last, let The Real Games begin!

According to Zogby, McCain, who as recently as last month seemed as out of the race as the U.S. men's 4 x 100 relay did before Jason Lezak hit the water, now holds a 5 percentage point lead over Obama.

Of course as everyone knows, this being a game, leads are subject to change. And with Obama's highly anticipated "e-nouncement" of his Vice Presidential running-mate only days away, any perceived lead change in McCain's favor could be short-lived.

And with the NBC family of networks freed-up from the tyranny of covering women's freestyle trampoline, men's BMX, and mixed tens, team ultimate paint ball (yeah, and baseball got dropped from the program for 2012 - go figure), it looks like The Real Games will pull the real ratings a Jack Donaghy could only dream of.

And should Ralph Nader require equal time at any time during the two weeks of The Real Games, the NBC owned Sci Fi Channel has cleared space in it's schedule for televised rebuttals.

So for the remainder of this week, as you're watching Telemundo's coverage of the men's 30 kilometer walk, a vignette of Mary Carillo eating grilled scorpions on-a-stick while lying on an Accupunturist's table, or the phenomenally beautiful CGI enhanced closing ceremonies, remember...

The Real Games of Summer are almost here.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday

Jeff Kent Shoots His Mouth Off Once Too Often

In an interview with the L.A. Times T.J. Simers, Dodger second baseman Jeff Kent says the unthinkable. Will his words become career suicide in Los Angeles?

"Vin Scully talks too much."

Five simple words from the mouth of future hall-of-famer, Los Angeles Dodger second baseman Jeff Kent. Five words that, even if he wanted to, he will never get back. Let them echo in your mind one more time.

"Vin Scully talks too much."

The reason for Jeff Kent telling Simers - and anyone else who will listen - why Vin Scully, hall-of-fame broadcaster and play-by-play voice of the team since 1950, talks too much?

Well, since the 40-year-old became the lucky Dodger to hit 3rd in a line-up that has newest superstar Manny Ramirez batting 4th, Kent has seen his offensive statistics magically return to his pre-Dodger glory days when, as a member of the San Francisco Giants, Kent experienced the same good fortune batting next to Barry Bonds in the Giants' order.

Coincidence? Don't tell that to Jeff Kent.

"Kent's batting average has increased by more than 20 points in the past 10 days since hitting third," Simers said in his column of August 17. "Manny being Manny has rejuvenated Kent [and] it's so much fun telling him that."

Kent's response was classic red-ass.

"It's so pathetic," he said. "You guys write about things happening in a week's time. That's why we don't like you. Baseball is a six-month game."

And if that weren't enough, Kent went on to tell everyone why they shouldn't listen to Scully.

"I've been here four years and I have never seen Vin Scully down here in the clubhouse," Kent said. "How does Vin Scully know me? How does Vin Scully know Derek Lowe?"

Oh, I don't know, the way play-by-play guys have been figuring it out since before the turn of the last century? As Simers said to Kent one more time:

"Scully is making the same point everyone else is making. He says the stats indicate you are having success hitting behind Ramirez - tell me that isn't the case."

To which Kent, exercising his ability to state the obvious, responded:

"See my answer to the first question. Listen, I'm so tired of talking about this stuff. It diminishes my whole career and all the hard work. I take it as an insult."I'm 40. You don't get better when you are 40."

Or, apparently, smarter.

When asked by Simers for a comment on Kent's thoughts, Vin Scully, as expected, declined.
In Kent's defense, throughout the interview, you can tell he thought he was being funny. Other famous people who thought they were being funny include King George III of England who, on July 4, 1776 wrote:

"Nothing of importance happened today".

And of course who can forget the words of the ancient Egyptian astrologer Ptolemy, who said:

"The earth is the center of the universe."

Or in Jeff Kent's case...

Just for the record, right now, in triple-A Las Vegas, the Dodgers are at work turning rookie third baseman Blake DeWitt into a second baseman. Kent, in the final weeks of his contract with Los Angeles, has for some time been expected to make this his last season as a player.

And if Kent, as pointed out by Scully, weren't hitting .500 since being dropped in front of an unconscious Man-Ram in the batting order, well...

Jeff Kent talks too much.

Don't let the club house door hit you on your red-ass as you go.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday

John Edwards: The Fool Waha Interview

The former Democratic Presidential candidate did not, under any circumstances, not even for a moment, sit down for this exclusive interview with BrooWaha's Bill Friday.

John Edwards, so glad you could be here today.

For the moment, let me say thank you for having me here today. I am here right now, aren’t I?

Not as far as I know. First, let me tell you how much I’ve enjoyed the tour of your home. Just how many square feet is it?

28,200 on 102 acres.

Wow. I guess it’s true what they say about the size of a man’s carbon footprint.

It even has a 600 square foot guest bedroom over the guest garage.

You don’t say?

Yeah, well… lately I do.

Right, so… first question…

If you don’t mind Mr. Friday, before we begin, I’d like to read from a prepared statement if I may?

Well, I can’t say I was prepared for that but…

(Edwards clears his throat… whispers to Bill Friday)

Do I have time to fix my hair?

There are no cameras sir.

Hmm. Alright then. Here we go. It is inadequate to say to the people who believed in me that I am sorry, as it is inadequate to say to the people who love me that I am…

Senator?

…sorry. In the course of several campaigns, I started to believe that I was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic…

Senator Edwards!

If you want to beat me up - feel free…

I’m thinking about it…

Mr. Friday, you cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself.

Have you ever considered witness protection?

More and more every day.

Getting back to the questions… Mr. Edwards, in light of recent events… the allegations about this affair, your wife’s cancer… how do you respond to statements like this from your former campaign manager, David Bonior, who told the Associated Press that your supporters had, “been betrayed by [your] action[s].”

Mostly by ignoring them, Bill.

(laughs)

Seriously Bill, what I’ve found recently is that the best way to move forward is to never look back, because some might be gaining on you.

Wasn't that Satchel Paige?

Of course it was, of course it was! I’m glad you noticed that. Thank you, Bill.

Mr. Edwards, let’s get to the reason for this interview… on July 21st you were in Los Angeles for a press conference with L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. At 2:40 the next morning, a reporter and staff photographer from the National Enquirer identified you coming out of a room at the Beverly Hills Hotel…

Aw c’mon now, Bill…

…then followed you into a restroom where, according to reports, you waited for fifteen minutes in one of the stalls until hotel security came and escorted you out of the hotel. What exactly were you doing in a public restroom for fifteen minutes?

I was on a conference call with Senator Larry Craig. It took a bit longer than I expected.

It seems as though you and the Mayor Villaraigosa have much in common. During your stay in L.A., did the Mayor have any words of advice for you in your time of personal disclosure?

He said, “Do your best to keep your mother-in-law away from the media.”

Mr. Edwards, you told ABC News that you personally never paid Rielle Hunter, yet Fred Baron, your former finance chairman, admitted on Friday that he made "regular payments" to Rielle Hunter, and that though unemployed, she lives in a $3 million home in Santa Barbara.

Like I have told everyone who will listen, I have never knowingly compensated this woman for anything, nor will I ever knowingly admit to such.

But you do admit to paying $114,000 to Ms. Hunter for her work on various campaign videos?

No, I do not! That’s just another Tabloid accusation, Bill. If Ms. Hunter was paid for services rendered to my campaign I will continue to maintain that I have no recollection of that until proven otherwise.

The question of a paternity test has been the subject of much speculation. Has a date been set yet for any such paternity test?

August, sometime between the 25th and the 28th.

During the Democratic National Convention?

I'm afraid so.

Is that a factor in why you’ll not be attending the convention?

That, and the Cabinet post I'll be receiving in exchange for my non-participation. The test is set for the Cayman Islands. Andrew Young and I had already made plans to be there at that time anyway… company time share, already booked. My people say if I don’t go, we’ll have to forfeit the deposit, you know. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll be able to make good use of the situation.

Staying on the subject of paternity, the birth certificate of the child…

Frances.

Right, um… Frances. The birth certificate lists no name for the father. Mr. Edwards, do you know who the father is?

Not yet.

Given the age of the child…

Frances.

Given the age of Frances, it would appear that you and Mr. Young were seeing Rielle Hunter at about the same time.

Bill, were you ever in a… fraternity?

But couldn’t you…

Mirthala Salinas was busy.

Senator…

Bill, please… call me “John.”

Alright then… John, doctors now say that your wife Elizabeth’s cancer is terminal - she is dying. Mr. Edwards…

John…

John… your wife is dying. What do you think her dying thought of you will be?

(silence).

Bill, may I finish reading from my prepared statement?

Sure.

“… I have been stripped bare and will now work with everything I have to help my family and others who need my help.”

(crumples paper)

John Edwards… thank you.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday

Manny Being Manny Hits Los Angeles At The Trading Deadline

Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing... Manny Ramirez!

Far be it from me to tell you, "I told you so", so instead, let me just say...

I told you so!

Manny Ramirez is a Dodger.

Thanks to the help of the Pittsburgh Pirates (more on that in a minute), the Los Angeles Dodgers have acquired the services of perennial All-Star and future Hall of Famer, outfielder Manny Ramirez from the Boston Red Sox for the equivalent of a plane ticket and two bags of used baseballs.

The two bags of balls, part-time third baseman Andy LaRoche and minor league pitcher Bryan Morris. The plane ticket is the Dodgers' willingness to pay for the remainder of Ramirez' 2008 salary, or about $7 million through the end of the season, which the Dodgers now feel will be extending itself into the latter-stages of October.

For its trouble, Boston will get Pirates' outfielder Jason Bay and, for their own stretch run, an even more valuable commodity... peace of mind. Over the last several weeks, the Red Sox have grown increasingly unable to tolerate any longer the New England phenomenon known as "Manny being Manny", that is, the unexplainably wacko behavior of their highly unorthodox slugger.

For the Dodgers' trouble, they get baseball's unquestioned best right-handed hitter of the new millennium, and a clubhouse chemistry experiment that most observers see doomed to explosive failure. How "Manny being Manny" will play in a team already divided between a core of highly talented, "directionless youth" (Matt Kemp, James Loney, Russell Martin) and a pair of once-great, former stars (Jeff Kent, Nomar Garciaparra) who's veteran leadership skills seem more closely related to a kinder, gentler version of the ones once employed by Barry Bonds.

Now stir in just a little Manny and (tick, tick...).

Hey, on paper this is a great deal for the Dodgers, especially in the wake of the Angels pick-up of star first baseman Mark Teixeira from Atlanta. If the team can ride Manny being Manny - that is, the great-big, clean-up hitting slugger - into the World Series, the stadium revenues alone will pay for the 7 million dollar bump in the budget from now till the end of the year. Even if the team chooses not to exercise the player's $20 million, 2009 contract option, the experiment would be considered a stunning success. But like they say, games aren't won on paper.

But paper can catch fire if your team chemistry happens to explode along the way to the end of the season. And for the Dodgers, fire extinguishers at the ready, that road begins tonight, as they host the first-place Arizona Diamondbacks tonight at Dodger Stadium.

Where all eyes will be focused squarely on Manny being Manny.

Copyright © 2008 Bill Friday